Thursday, April 24, 2008

Ytinav

Two nights ago, I shaved my face for the first time in almost six months. I had finally gotten sick of my facial hair becoming a new form of doodling within class. Prior to this particular beard, I believe my record sat somewhere in the 3.5 month vicinity. However, as some know, I didn't shave off the whole thing. I left a grotesque combination of a soul patch (I put the soul in soul patch,) a Fu Man Chu (I put the man in Fu Man Chu,) and large, braidable (we tried it) mutton chops (I took the mutton out of mutton chops, cuz im a veggieterrian, c boi?) I always enjoy doing this, because it's sort of like Halloween, except you're the only one dressed up. I had every intention of using Thomas Castle's mustache wax the next day, milking my comedic material for all its worth.
Then, I went to group. Believe it or not, this was my first time at group, my absence up to this point being mostly a consequence of some seeds of snobbery that still have yet to be rooted out. For the most part, I enjoyed the whole thing. I would have liked it more had the Scripture not been explained, because though the music was better than I expected and the passages they chose spoke to me, the way in which they had to give an inadequate explanation of the passage afterward only served to distract me, as it didn't really let the passage speak for itself. On the whole, however, it was worthwhile and I plan to attend at least more regularly.
However, that's not really the point. While I was there, I remembered something I said in passing to a friend of mine. For some reason, he was talking about his struggles with vanity, and how he was trying to work on that. To this I said semi-jokingly that I "struggle" (quotes implied in my sarcasm at the time) far more with reverse vanity. That is to say, I pride myself on being somebody who never buys new clothes, whose cell phone doesn't have a camera, who isn't a germaphobe, and who lets himself smell every once in a while, whether from a lack of shampoo or a lack of laundry (both of which stem from laziness just as much as intention, honestly.) While I had meant it to some extent, I didn't really take it too seriously. Then, while I sat with my facial hair, the attraction of the day for many people, I thought seriously about the reasons for why I do some of these things. They aren't all for attention. In fact, all of the things I mentioned above are rooted in something I believe and take seriously. However, there is a strange sort of flaunting that I can easily tag on, as if to say "look at me, I'm so selfless and not centered on material things, what up!" I really don't want to be that sort of person. It made me think a lot about when Jesus said to only boast in Him, and not in anything else, even good things. It's so hard to understand what the lowness God calls us to really looks like, because lowness with a trumpet or a sombre face is not real humility.

2 comments:

Tim said...

Nate, this is good. Do it more often.

Moorea Seal said...

nate! i like your musings. you have a good mind and a good heart.
i use to be a girl who ONLY bought new things at thrift stores and didn't wear make up, and on and on and on. but after a while, it became a sense of pride for me. once you find a place that you are in that you are proud of, its hard not to accidentally turn that good pride into a bad one.
and at the same time of trying to humble myself with my rejection of particular material thing, i felt sort of saddened in my lack of ways to express myself.

when it came down to it all in the end, i made some important decisions and had some good talks with God about it all.
here is my conclusion for myself:
above all things, i really believe God gave me the biggest gift of seeing beauty in this world. i am good at a few things, and i like lots of things. i'd like to think i am pretty smart, and that i can take care of people well. but i am best and appreciating, and creating beautiful things.
i am joyful when i feel like i have fully expressed myself each day that i am alive. i like to use clothing as a palette of colors and patterns that i can make one big collage out of. its makes me less excited about the day ahead when i cant express myself through colors and shapes.
i can go days just wearing grungy clothes and its all fine. i dont dislike myself when i dont "look good" or whatever. i just have so much fun expressing me the way that God made me! i still dont wear make up very often. but when i do, i think its fun to experiment with colors and fun things.
i really think that God is pleased to see me experimenting and playing with art in my everyday life. and when i am joyful in art making in that way, i am even more excited about making art in paintings and drawings, music and computer arts.
God created so much art in this world!
and i rejoice in each day knowing that he gives me a new chance everyday to express my appreciation for all the beauty he has given me to see.
he gives freedom, he gives beauty, he gives creativity, he gives us SO many ways to show love, appreciation and joy!

i see you as a very expressive person and one who appreciates all the beauty that God has made! i hope you can get some inspiration to channel all that you love about God into the things you see, the things you do, and even the tiniest silliest ways that one can live life. i already see so much expression of beauty in the person that you are. and i am sure you can find more ways to do so.

you are a beautiful person my friend!!

-moorea